5 Sure-Fire Ways to Guarantee Infidelity

As I've worked with couples in a wide variety of settings, I've observed five common causes of infidelity. Every one is direct result of this truth: What You Think About Comes About

The 5 Top Drivers of Infidelity are:

  1. As a Man Thinketh in His Heart ... So He Is.
  2. Terrified of rocking the boat.
  3. Not having a life!
  4. "Policing" the entire Universe.
  5. Disregard, minimization and negligence.

1) As a Man Thinketh in His Heart ... So He Is.

People who believe that fantasizing about other people is their God-given entitlement to private personal enjoyment are, in fact, violating the sanctity of their marriages. Whether it's visiting online sex shops, or walking down the street noticing a hot babe and mentally jumping out of your body and having hot ravenous sex, then slipping back into your body as if nothing just happened, it's still having sex. Sexual thought creates emotional arousal and is referred to as "sexualizing." And don't think for a moment it doesn't ultimately drive behavior. "If you keep going to the Barber Shop, eventually you are going to get a hair cut" [from HBO's - Mind of a Married Man].

But that's not all that you are opening your marriage up to: what goes around comes around. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a couple break up where the husband has a history of flirting, coming on to women, projecting that he's available when he's not, only to find his wife left suddenly and abruptly for another man!

What You Think About Comes About


2) Terrified of rocking the boat!

Walking on eggshells with your spouse, around this issue of fidelity and the sacred entitlement of marriage, will not be what keeps your spouse from cheating. Obsessing and fearing your spouse will eventually cheat literally opens the door and drives your spouse to doing it, if you don't stop thinking what you are thinking.

Why you are obsessing can be a result of one of two factors. Either 1) you have low self esteem and you are not doing anything about it like, being your "best self" and filling your own cup by living your passion and purpose. Or 2) you are in fact, picking up on your spouse’s "sexualizing" vibes, and you are not confronting it straight out. Either way, it's all about your self-esteem and your fear thoughts!

If you are picking up on a vibe from your spouse, that they clearly have not closed the door on seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere, if made available to them, then it's up to you to address it. You are victimizing you. Harboring fear about it drives the energy and the propensity to infidelity. A spouse that is sexualizing - even if just occasionally - is not something to minimize. It is serious to the sanctity of your relationship and future health and emotional stability of your marriage. No guts, no glory, and in this case, no marriage! Rather than remain in fear, you must address the seriousness of this and use the explanation I've given you in #1 to drive it home. Then, "see" your spouse as faithful and adoring and 100% resolved about the benefits that mental and emotional fidelity guarantee them.

What You Think About Comes About


3) Not having a life!

Another great way to drive you mate into the arms of another is to allow yourself to remain in a state of neediness and dependency. You need to fuel you. You need to love you. It's your job to be a fully functioning, self-actualized person. When you find your neediness at an all time high, just know that as long as you don't pull that pathetic, needy energy of yours back in and be in your authentic power, you will literally chase your mate away. Get a life. Find things that you love to do. Find your passion and purpose that goes above and beyond your marriage. And, yes, also make your marriage a priority, but do so by being a fully happy and fulfilled marriage partner.

See yourself as "the" most valuable partner on the planet. Work on you! Work on the vision of the future you want to create in your marriage, and refuse to spend any time visualizing worst case scenarios ever again. Not having a life outside your spouse is simply you not valuing you. You can only give away what you are. You can only love as big and as much as you love "you." You can only give the greatest regard to others when you have experienced giving greatest regard to yourself. Loving yourself, loving your life, loving your bliss by using your talents is the absolute most attractive element you can provide your marriage. Being the example of love is being the attractor of love and fidelity.

What You Think About Comes About


4) "Policing" the entire Universe!

Seeing the world - and most importantly your spouse - as incompetent and incapable will ultimately guarantee your spouse seeking solace elsewhere! When people who are having affairs were asked why they were having sex outside their marriages, the number one reason given was because of how they felt when they were with the other person. They felt wanted, powerful, competent and capable, much like they felt when they fell in love with their spouse. With commitment and marriage sometimes comes the onset of conflict, criticism and discord; people naturally begin to feel worthless and of little value.

Pick, pick, pick. Nag, nag, nag. Focusing on errors instead of flexibility and generosity kills the love connection in any relationship. Endlessly finding fault and coming "at" problematic areas in your relationship is what drives people into the arms of another. Watching over every single little task, attitudinally throwing off that vibe of yours that says, "You incompetent fool!" makes for distant bed partners. What does it matter if the towels are folded perfectly? What does it matter if they spent $34.95 over the budget? Life unfolds creatively, and the more you resist imperfection the more discombobulation you attract in to your experience. The more you try to control, the more you are out of control!

If you want love, give it away. If you want respect, give it away. If you want control, give it away!

What You Think About Comes About


5) Disregard, minimization and negligence.

This is for the person who has a fulfilling and successful life, and either 1) doesn't think it's necessary to include their spouse into the sanctuary of their inner life, or 2) uses their busy life to avoid their spouse and home responsibilities in favor of a life unencumbered. Regardless, disregard, minimization and negligence will drive your spouse into the arms of another. If you don't value your spouse or think it's important to spend time doing your part to play or make love with them, I guarantee, someone else will!

If when you think of your spouse, you are thinking that they are a bottomless pit of need and clingyness, you drive more of the behavior by your rejection and dismissal of them. If you are in avoidance, because it's just too much trouble or will take too much time out of your important day to communicate and connect with your mate, I guess you will be in for a big surprise when they suddenly up and leave you for another.

What You Think About Comes About

 ©2004 Mary Robinson Reynolds, Heart Productions & Publishing

Mary ReynoldsMary Robinson Reynolds, M.S., Educational Psychologist, Author and Producer of the world renowned Internet videos, MakeADifferenceMovie.com and AcknowledgmentMovie.com - both amassing over 10 million views within a few short months of their releases - spent many years as a classroom teacher K-8 and then as a counselor K-12. She parlayed her phenomenal success with youth at-risk into her programs for business leaders, entrepreneurs and managers on how to be energetically effective in leading improvement in their organizations through the power of Team Synergy and MasterMinding. She has written eight books, developed UTrain&Coach programs that anyone can take into their place of work to build organization wide Team Synergy, and has presented to over 20,000 people in two year period in every major city in the U.S. To learn more go to: makeadifference.com

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