THE KING PINS THAT ARE JAMMING UP YOUR LIFE
Excerpt from Stay Married! - Make More Love & Less Conflict
- Online Course by Mary Robinson Reynolds, The MasterMinding Maven®
In logging camps in the Spring, logs are sent down the rivers in great numbers. Sometimes a log becomes crossed and causes a jam. When this happens, the men look for the log causing the jam - they call it the King-Pin - they straighten it, and all the logs rush down the river again.
King-Pins are those areas of your life which you hold in the dark. They are the emotional feeling blocks that are keeping you from attaining what you want. They are "that thing that you do" - that thing that you keep doing or thinking - every time you find yourself fighting to control people and situations. They are your alignment with the enormously powerful negative attractor energy patterns which are unconsciously being set in motion.
So where is the jam up in your marriage, your life? What do you need to straighten out? Is it money? Children? Sex? Infidelity? Addictions? Health? Weight? Emotional availability? Job satisfaction and fulfillment? Excessive work for "self worth" confirmation or to avoid intimacy? Only you can look inside and see where the King-Pin is. These principles are universal in personal relationships. The following examples relate directly to the challenges of marriage, but they also apply to other forms of relationships.
The amazing thing about finding the King-Pin is that, once it's straightened out, everything moves on again with the flow of the stream. You most likely have a mistaken belief that whatever it is that you are holding on to is somehow keeping you safe. These beliefs are not keeping you safe. They are keeping the river of life blocked, and resistance to the flow great.
The Road-Kill King-Pin
So, maybe you've had a "train wreck" in your marriage, i.e., infidelity, betrayal, impasse, walking out the door calling it quits, devastating illness or accident. Real train wrecks are cleaned up within a few weeks to a month. Continuing to look at what happened, replaying it in your mind a million times, suffering through the pain each and every replay, is like looking at road kill. You would never stop your car and fixate on road kill! So why do this to yourself now? It won't change what's happened, and it won't keep you safe from it happening again. If fact, if you continue to hit the replay of your mind, you are certainly activating and sustaining the attracting energy pattern! Got it? This is something you ask your MasterMind partners’ help in seeing for you a future that you now, unequivocally prefer instead. (see: www.MasterMind-Principle.com/pages/masterminding_pgm.htm )
The "Coaching" King-Pin
We far, far underestimate the potential within a person to decide to be competent, capable and mindful. Instead of trying to control or guide them with your coaching, all that is really necessary is to discuss with them what they would prefer in relation to what we prefer. During the next several days, pay close attention to everything you do or say to your spouse and notice every time you coach, suggest, correct or advise. As you begin noticing how often you do this, simply remember, you are energetically pushing away the possibility of your spouse being a willing participant in this marriage by your attitudinal energy, asserting that you are the more competent, capable and mindful one in this relationship.
The Distrust King-Pin
Certainly trust is a vibrational thing. To hold distrust over someone's head as some form of punishment that's going to make them behave well once again, is not what will keep you safe in this relationship. It is rigorously holding the vision of what you prefer that is your way to have what you want in your marriage. "Picture a thing and bring it through, rather than trying to reason it through or force it through."Catherine Ponder
The Withholding Love as Punishment King-Pin
When my husband was in third grade, he was misbehaving in some way, probably not conforming to learning the way the information was being taught, so the teacher advised his parents to withhold their love as a form of punishment, so that he would learn that he had to comply. Well, you know the rest of that story! His experience became an enormously powerful attractor energy pattern, which he himself unconsciously set in motion throughout much of his life.
The "Truth" King-Pin
Yes, the truth will set you free, when it's about the truth of how you feel and the truth about your "perception" as the observer. But when you think that your truth is the one and only truth or reality, you are mistaken, and you are creating a big honkin' King-Pin. Understand this: It is your truth, not "the" truth. The only truth there is, is what someone has decided, interpreted or perceived. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
The Resentment King-Pin
When one of you is bringing the two of you back together again, resentment can be the one single factor that energetically can hold the two of you apart if one of you doesn't let something go! Resentments and "all the trouble" come because we are fighting the battle and not leaving it to inner Spirit. With the realization of the power of the long arm of Spirit, we would no longer resist or resent. The fear thoughts within us will be destroyed, therefore the adverse conditions will disappear: drop away.
The Criticism & Condemnation King-Pin
It's the "I have a more superior way or understanding than you, so I'm better than you" King-Pin. What would the world be like if we totally left criticism out of our conversations and attitudes and only spoke in terms of preferences? In terms of how we'd prefer that it be. Making our desires known through very specific requests would, without a doubt, be life-altering.
The "Taking the Moral High Ground" King-Pin
A little bit of information has been known to inflate one's sense of superiority, and can literally side-track what you are trying to have happen or to get across. Once you become aware of something new, and see things unfold for you easily and effortlessly, the temptation is that you will want your spouse to "get it."
The Jealousy King-Pin
Jealousy is about fear of losing love, fear of not being enough or having what someone else has. And so we extend our energy out to try to control the person or situation, rather than deal with the enormously powerful attractor energy patterns of fear of abandonment, of being alone, of not believing yourself to be whole or sufficient on your own. That is what we unconsciously are setting in motion.
The Sexualizing King-Pin
Sexualizing is having mental sex with people other than your spouse, flirting and coming on to people other than your spouse, generating and sending sex vibes energetically outside your marriage. Understand this, sexualizing is a King-Pin. It causes harm. It is a destroyer of intimacy, and it causes a division in your marriage that is felt at some level, because it intrudes on the sacred space you should both be enjoying. What you put out comes back. And when it comes back, baby, it is not a fun ride. Which brings us to:
The Infidelity King-Pin
You don't have to have a train wreck to resurrect your marriage. But you do need a decision. Infidelity is the King-Pin of never having made a decision about what your plan of action will be if or when temptation arrives.
The list of King-Pins goes on and on and on:
Being Realistic: you can deny the well being you want by holding yourself in a place where you don't feel good. We do this by trying to determine what's realistic and what is not, as a way to stay safe, instead of deciding what you really want.
Skepticism King-Pin: as with being "realistic," how's being skeptical working for you?
Reprimand: this will certainly make people want to behave and stay-have!
Being Punitive: the word itself even makes you want to pucker up and spit!
Lack of Integrity: lying, cheating, fibbing, fudging, withholding information, operating from a scarcity mentality, i.e., deceitful or unethical. Integrity is consistently doing the right thing, especially when it's not the easiest thing.
Exclusion: as a form of punishment, or as a means to not have to deal with insecurities.
Avoidance: if I can just run away from this as often as I see it coming, it will go away and I won't have to deal with it, or them.
Ignoring: is an indirect and most ineffective approach to get them to either stop what they are doing, or leave you alone. In fact, because there is so much resistance energy in this, you are literally attracting more of the same!
Anger: is fear about one of three things, 1) the attachment to the idea that you can't get what you want or need in the time frame you believe you must have it, 2) a state of overwhelm from not having boundaries because of a exaggerated need of approval, or 3) fear of being hurt in the present or future. It can come in the form of passive/aggressive guilt and shaming put downs i.e., emotional javelins to force compliance, loud eruptions and verbal attacks, all of which create even more resistance and rejection.
Fighting: for everything you want in order to get it to happen. Justifying, rationalizing, explaining, defending, debating, pushing at almost everything and everybody. Whew! Is this an exhausting King-Pin or what?
Being Right: to the point of being locked and loaded - your way or the highway. So the question is; Would you rather be right, or married?
Being "Positive!" as good as being positive is, for the most part, there is nothing more off-putting than someone telling you that you "just need to be more positive," when your life may in fact be crumbling down around you! This is a King-Pin because it is minimizing, and it disallows the human and healthy process of 1) getting in touch with feelings of what is not wanted, so 2) you can learn how to get to feelings of what is wanted. If you can't allow yourself to know what you know, feel what you feel, then how will you let yourself want what you want?
And let's not forget;
The "Appropriate" King-Pin
Feel the vibration of the word. Not too pleasing or clean is it? It has become overused, just like the label of Co-Dependency as it was used about fifteen years ago. Yuck! While "appropriate" became a politically correct word not too long ago, along with "I'm not COMFORTABLE with that," like most things they’ve been abused and over used. Especially when you throw a nasty attitude on it, well, it can be quite inflammatory, to say the least. It is a word that implies judgment, criticism, less than and condemnation. It can literally jam things up and create King Pins in your relationship, if it's overused and used with an attitude.
Most people have used words like "appropriate" and "comfortable" to establish boundaries for the first time in their lives, and I think that is swell. And, if you use either of these two words with an attitude of arrogance or superiority secretly hidden behind them, then don't expect harmonious results.
You can literally straighten out all of your King-Pins with the following easy one-liners. They are very simple ‘fill in the blank’ phrases that are not inflammatory vibrationally, as long as you don't throw that attitude of yours on top! If you say them from a zero attitude energy place, then just the mere speaking in terms of preferences in this way can get you reconnected to clean and powerful energy when you are starting to feel fear, panic, anger, resentment about whatever it is that has happened.
What I'd prefer is _____________.
What I'd prefer next time is _____________.
Next time, I'd prefer to see less of ___ and more of _____.
Next time, I prefer that you not ____ and instead do ______ .
Got it? Go the easiest, simplest and cleanest energetic route, and you will produce entirely different, and most likely generous and accommodating results, than what you've been receiving.
This Article is an excerpt from:
Stay Married! - Make More Love & Less Conflict - Online Course
- Session 4: King Pins - Fear & Anger Issues - Disconnect / Connect
Invest in your marriage today! Take a moment and imagine the worst problem in your marriage gone! What would your lives be like? Would you be happier?
For a complete description of the Online Course and how to order it,
click here: http://www.Stay-Married.com/Stay-Married.php
©2003 Mary Robinson Reynolds, Heart Productions & Publishing
Mary Robinson Reynolds, M.S., Educational Psychologist, Author and Producer of the world renowned Internet videos, MakeADifferenceMovie.com and AcknowledgmentMovie.com - both amassing over 10 million views within a few short months of their releases - spent many years as a classroom teacher K-8 and then as a counselor K-12. She parlayed her phenomenal success with youth at-risk into her programs for business leaders, entrepreneurs and managers on how to be energetically effective in leading improvement in their organizations through the power of Team Synergy and MasterMinding. She has written eight books, developed UTrain&Coach programs that anyone can take into their place of work to build organization wide Team Synergy, and has presented to over 20,000 people in two year period in every major city in the U.S. To learn more go to: makeadifference.com
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