Personnel managers seem to agree that more than two-thirds of the people who lose their jobs do so because "they cannot get along with people." Approximately ten percent are discharged because of inadequate preparation for the skills needed. The rest are discharged because of "personality problems." Do you wonder why impersonal good will and the ability to get along with others has such power? Do you wonder why it is that unless you are able to get along with others, both in business way and at home, all your other training, abilities and efforts are generally futile?
When things go side-ways, the best place to begin again is to simply offer positive regard.
Make A Difference with... Positive Regard
If you are to receive positive regard, you must give positive regard.
We teach people how to treat us. It is incongruous to expect individuals to be respectful when you are not respectful in your attitude and your treatment of them. It's like pushing a person to the ground, putting your foot on her shoulder and yelling "Get Up!"
You teach people around you how to be accountable for their behavior by simply asking them to share what's going on with them that is causing them to do what they are doing. Asking "what," not "why," raises their emotional intelligence, and will eliminate habitual excuse-making. Once the thinking and the feelings are voiced and understood, the two of you can come up with an agreeable solution.
Interceding on harmful behaviors and establishing what skillful approaches are now preferred and expected, shows you care about their well-being.
When you witness someone doing something verbally or attitudinally harmful, you simply and quietly ask the individual to come aside with you and address what's really going on, openly and compassionately. If they resist having a conversation with you, then let go of it for now and try again later when things aren't so intense.
At this pivotal moment, you can positively impact a situation in 30 seconds or less by applying the "What, If, When Technique" to individuals who have said or done something that is harmful either to themselves or to others: "What's going on for you that you would do (or say) what you just did?"
If they don't know, simply say, "If you did know, what would it be?" If they still can't access what's actually upsetting them, then say, "When you do know, I want you to tell me because you are important to me. We will revisit this before the end of the day. For now, let's get back to work."
That's it. This very specific technique interrupts and transforms any unproductive experience with anyone. Simply asking "What's going on for you?" instead of "Why did you do it?" connects the dots to the heart of the matter instead of making up more cerebral excuses that never, ever get resolved!
It lets individuals know that, even though they've been unskillful in their treatment of others, or of you, that they matter to you. They now have your full compassionate attention, and they know that you want to align with them to resolve whatever it was that they felt the need to strike out about.
Compassion on the impersonal level, is the ability to get along with other people, or good will toward all others without personal attachment.
Mary Robinson Reynolds, M.S., Educational Psychologist, Author and Producer of the world renowned Internet videos,